


Not herself anymore

by RedMitten



Series: SU Artificial Pearl AU fics [1]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: AU, Angst, Canon Rewrite, Gen, Rewrite, tags will be added as story goes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:33:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26612254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedMitten/pseuds/RedMitten
Summary: The story of way more intoxicating war and its consequences.The story of weight Pink Diamond had to carry upon her shoulders till the very day when she gives her form up for her half-human child.The story of poor Gem, which own self was changed by force without any way back.
Series: SU Artificial Pearl AU fics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2161887
Kudos: 16





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is my very first and own AU, and here I would like to try and share it with you. And my very first fic written in English.  
> I wondered if it would be in form of comic, or blog (don't forget to check Tumblr - artpearlspinel - there will be arts, sketches and an ask), but I guess I have not enough patience and time to draw a whole big comic for this story. So it will be a fic with only some scenes drawn (or more like a fic with lots of arts).  
> But the point is... I hope you'll like the idea and will be interested :3 Sorry if my writing is poor, English is not my first language and I'm still learning it.

  
  


It seemed like the world itself stopped, blurred and started shaking.  
“H-how... h-h-h... H-h-HOW COULD YOU?!?!...” — shouted Pink Diamond at White out of chaotic mess of shock, fear, sadness and pure anger. The floor under her feet barely broke.

“...We are doing the best we can to prevent the further lack of resources we already have.” — White's smile faded a little, showing that her usual mood isn't actually as good as _usual_. The change of emotion on the Greatest Diamond's face also reflected on a small light pink face of a tiny A-Pearl which stood way more close to the Littlest Diamond and which just a few decades ago was not anything else but a lovable, innocent Spinel.

Now she was... _different_ , and not because of shades of grey instead of colors. Her hairline and hairstyle changed a little, though her buns (?) still were in shape of hearts; there weren't huge gloves and shoes with only patterned ballerinas on her feet instead; her normal outfit partly changed to translucent (not as much translucent as real Pearl's though); but, most important, all her body became _thin_. Abnormally _thin_ , even _thiner_ than any Pearls', and the very core of her being, her perfect-cut hot pink gem in shape of heart was now just a little light pearl, surrounded by black spot in form of heart, black as abyss, and even White's purest light couldn't lighten it up even a tiniest bit.

It was like Pink was looking at totally different gem, not her dearest Spinel, but the features of her face and the fact of the only Spinel existing in entire universe said otherwise. Pink's gem started stinging awfully.

“H-how could you!!! How could you have done THAT with my best friend?!?!” — now there was a huge crater in the floor. Pink Diamond yelled on top of her non-existing lungs.

White's smile disappeared completely, and if that change on White's face made Pink feel suddenly nervous, the exact same change on face of her only Homeworld friend after Pearl made her feel nauseous and caused even more pain in her belly: without a smile, even a dead, facade White's smile, this childish, round face looked unnatural.

“ **We are fighting a serious war with Earth, Pink.** Either way we wouldn't have to.” — White squinted, hinting Pink at what she is leading to.

_It's your and your fault only._

_Now watch this deadly pale face of your friend with hollow eyes and faint tear tracks on her cheeks frown and lecture you._

“S-Spinel... N-no... I...”

Her best friend couldn't hear her under White's control, but right now Pink haunted even an illusive chance to be heard and forgiven for her unfixable crime. She whispered her sorries, apologies and cried, cried with all of her heart.

“Consider it as one of consequences of _your_ misbehavior, Starlight. At a state Homeworld is now, as long as war continues, drastic measures are justified.” — Pink Diamond wasn't sure if White said 'your' more dry than the rest; White's black eyes never left little Pink spot at her feet, her usual smile at the end of phrase returned.

***

Pink Diamond stormed into her room and grabbed her Pearl, squirming poor servant in very firm embrace as if she could disappear forever any moment.

“...M-my Diamond?” — asked Pearl shyly and confused in such low voice that not even a Pebble would hear her. But Her Diamond heard.

“...The war must be stopped as soon as only possible...” — whispered Pink Diamond, and right at the middle of the phrase Pearl felt few teardrops on her back.

“Are you crying? W-what happened?!”

“Because of the lack of resources Homeworld started turning one Gems to anothers. By _grinding_ their gemstones _off_ , Pearl..!” — her voice trembled and was full of terror and grief. Pearl's shock lasted way longer than she could count in such a state. Her eyes rounded in realization why her Diamond was so worried and winced at fear of what Pink talked about. Saving life on Earth, they sacrificed other gems’ lives here in Homeworld in such a twisted way. Pearl shook her head. Both evils were too big to choose if you weren't at some side already.

“B-b-b-but we can't s-surrender n-now, R-Rose!” — she screamed in whisper, now pulling her short hair, desperately trying to come up with other solution and forgetting that everywhere but on Earth she couldn't call her master that name.

“We're not. There's another way, but I'm gonna need your help.” — Pink said unexpectedly serious and determined, looking right in Pearl's eyes.

She wished she hadn't had to do that. She wished Bismuth’s idea wasn't so actually good. She wished there was yet another way to fix the problem she created herself. She wished Spinel and a dozen of other Gems had their original shape...

How much pain she must have been through...

She wished her best friend was fine... but she can't be saved now. Grinned off and controlled by White.

...If a Diamond's life, an all-encompassing grief and a lie long as her existence are the price to stop the madness Homeworld started drowning itself in, she will pay it.


	2. Chapter 1: A Weird Stranger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A strange-looking Pearl... or... whoever it is, appears and seems to have a bad air with Pearl.

A small figure jumped down from the top of the spaceship, that turned out to be some unknown kind of injector, and landed on metallic surface practically without a sound.

The pearl-looking stranger with short sleeves, a skirt, full of holes, and buns resembling butterfly wings looked up with poisonous look and straightened, not turning her glare away from the group of gems below her. On her chest, right on the middle of a dark spot, a little stone in form of a pearl flashed.

"Well... Well... Well.. Well. _Well_. Just you take a look at the menagerie!

The dark purple figure pulled on a cold, strange grin and made an almost dramatic curious look and pose, also making a "masquerade mask" with thin and crooked hands.

But just a moment later her eyeballs went out of orbits and strained forward, blinking and peering into shoked earthlings.

None of Crystal Gems have seen a gem changing their form so easily before. None, except...

"You mist be Amethyst. You mist be Garnet. And Pink Diamond's Pearl... W-well, just look at this! She never left YOU behind, urh, WOW, isn't- isn't that- just- S-SWELL!.." — friendly facade went down instantly as she "met" the last gem, and stranger Pearl clenched her teeth, showing her disturbance at something.

Crystal Pearl, on her turn, froze, and terror sparkled in her eyes; she was afraid of guessing who stands in front of her and being right at the very first attempt.

"It... It can't be... true..." — but Pearl's doubts betrayed her and left at the middle of the phrase, and poor ex-servant covered her mouth with dismay. Her eyes watered, her stance became shivering. She couldn't say what frightened her worse — having an idea of _what_ happened in this gem's past or knowing perfectly _who_ she used to be before it happened.

"Ehehehe..." — the smile strained her face again, never touching her eyes, and this time it was a little bitter. She chukled hoarsely like if it wasn't fun to her at all. — "What exactly can't be, hm? Everything, Pearl, EVERYTHING you see is merely a dream! A nightmare. IN REALITY. And my new appearance and look, and us, finally meeting each other, and even those few new _toys_ that are gonna put an end to your 'happily ever after' oNCe and fOR ALL!"

At the end her voice was trembling from a mix of anger, hurt and... something else. She covered it too well under her feigned excitement at last moment.

The Crystal Gems looked strangely at their Pearl, then at newcomer one at outer confusion: do they know each other?..

Steven tried to negotiate and prevent any fight.

" Uuh... Hey, woah... whatever is going on here, this is gotta be a misunderstanding. In case you haven't heard, I instablished peace across the U-"

"Yea yea yea, you may not bother youself," — she interrupted, frowning and turning her face away. Then she looked at the boy in pink jacket again. — "I've seen your little message to the universe. And _far more THAN ONCE!_

The guest suddenly jumped off the injector right into him, threatening to heavily punch him, and Steven instinctively managed to summon his shield at the last moment; but the attacker knocked him off anyways, jumping back high at the edge of injector again from the pink barrier between her and the human.

His friends got the hint and summoned their weapons. Pearl hesitated, but followed suit.

— I just love that part where Pink Diamond prefers to spend the rest of her days on this... MISERABLE planet with a bunch of... _nobodies_! — she cackled, still like it was some sort of joke, at which you cry more than laugh though.

Then she jumped off again, but with no intention to shut or talk; thin and angry stranger Pearl with abnormal for Pearls stretching ability started singing something electroswing-like, but accurately and half-smoothely nonetheless, and just as she deftly followed the melody, she perfectly jodged from every attack from Crystal Gems, unready for an enemy appeared out of the blue; she kept some grace in most of her movements, the rest were either playfull (was she flirting?) or scaring.

If not a non-stop threat to get his face or enything else hurt, Steven would definitely be intrigued by her unusual mix of harshness and airiness, he even remembered an old phrase from his dad — "You can't drink or sell away your skill", or like that, though an old man always referred to his guitar playing. Even while fighting madly this pearl acted like Pearl. But at the other end of her ability to be Pearl and to be dangerous it was him and his friends, so it was not a time for admiring.

After all, which means scaring and knocking everyone off, she used her streched elastic limbs and hit friends with each other, then landed on the lighthouse roof and paused her fighting dance and song. It seemed like she was just curious what are they going to to next.

Steven barely held the thought because of the blow. What was she singing about? About "her"? Who "her"? She means Pearl? This Pearl and his Pearl obviously knew each other! But why this stranger Pearl is so agressive to none other than his Pearl?

"She's running circles around us..." — Garnet growled unhappily. She saw dimly some futures where they managed to beat her, but the lack of training for such a long time did its job; the fusion just couldn't react fast enough to make a blow in time.

"I'm rusty... Give me a break!" — groaned Amethyst, totally sharing Garnet's disappointment in their own helplessness.

"I-I can't believe it... It really IS her, but... She can't be s-serious, can she?..

Steven perked up, for he barely forgot this misterious circumstance. Pearl's tremor and husky mumbling reflected his own theories, and he showered her with questions:

"You know her, Pearl? You've known each other? Can you at least tell us who she is?"

Unfortunately, evil guest's ears were as good as owl's. She seemed shoked, even scared, than furious.

"Who am I..? _WHO AM I?!_ " — she started screaming from the top of metallic roof, surprised by his total ignorance like if it hurt her badly. — _"WHAT ARE YOU EVEN SAYING?!"_

After a little it turned out that she didn't talk but continued singing, but her voice cracked here and there, like she was on edge of hysterics. Not for long, though. After mere four lines she changes her mood again, now smiling menacingly and pulling away some small instrument from her gem, which was barely bigger.

A single moment, and she had a real scythe weapon in her hands, which threateningly sparkled with its blade.

...Her song ended. This time Crystall Gems' unpreparedness for a real fight costed their physical bodies of light. All three forms were cut with one precise swing of sharp pink glowing surface as easily as hot knife would do through butter.

Steven's friends' gemstones fell on grass, clinking as if they were only some glass nothings. The stranger stopped, or more like froze with blank facial expression Steven couldn't read and stared at curly boy in front of her.

He stands out from everyone else for her, too?

All at once suddenly got Steven angry.

"That's enough!!!"

"Ho-ho-how, what's the matter, Steven? Life 's'not so sweet without your friends?" — her face lived up again when he summoned his shield once again, getting ready to confront her. Her pale face strained with batty, touched smile. Furious boy never liked her masquerade of softness, and neither he liked it now. — "Well don't you worry..."

The last line sounded almost like reassurance, but villian Pearl abruptly changed her expression again and jumped down at him: "YOU'RE RIGHT BEHIND THEM!"

The blade swang through his shield, reliable before, and through his very flash like through nothing, leaving unpleasant tickling feeling behind that coursed through his veins and into his every body cell. He shook, but besides this feeling there wasn't anything, and it passed pretty soon anyways.

After a short moment of confusion Steven felt superiority and laughed. If this weapon is supposed to destroy gem's form, it won't success on half-human body.

"Hahaha! That was nothing!"

It looked dark Pearl listened him well and noted that, appraisingly squinting on him, so his confidence didn't last any longer and he bit his tounge: she striked as more reasonable opponent than most of those Steven met on the battlefield.

"It was, huh? ...Whe-he," —Steven shivered, getting that she is even happy about the result. — "Then you won't mind... if I DO IT AGAIN!"

She approached again, now hitting him many times at a stratch. The series of unseccessful "murders" somewhy amused her, and she started giggling, then laughing, then cackling like a madgem. Unpleasant lightnings through his body got on his nerves and began stinging more and more and became stronger, and Steven hit the ceiling again, finally grabbing scythe's handle.

"Cut it out!"

"You don't poof, as I see... _THE JOKE'S ON YOU._ Just give it a time... You don't have a chance against my injector," — not quite stopping cackling maniacally, she said it with somewhat nervous, but satisfied smile, and finished, almost pitying him, — "not anymore, that's for sure..."

"Rrh, what are you talking about?"

They both were holding the scythe now, struggling to push each other away and get the upper advantage the weapon gave. Steven believed that she is light and physically weak enough for him to beat her right then, but for some reason she held her stance, though her limbs were tremblimg from tension from the very fisrt moment of their new round of fight. Her big eyes were fogged and glinted with pain, her lower lip trembled, but she put everything aside and kept giving quite a good return to Steven's Diamond power. On the back of his head he admitted that he was marveled a iny bit more than confused.

She smiled in response, looking down at him literally and figuratively, and he realised: she is not about to answer. The victory is not hers yet and he might come up with something at last moment and turn the tide. That both gave him hope and irritated.

But they didn't fall into silence.

"What a nice game of pushing we started here, you and me. He he he! You really think that you will beat me with it? Or what, change my mind and persuade me to go back? Nothing can change me now, Steven. Like nothing can make _Pink_ return, RIGHT, STEVEN?" — she stared at him, getting her face awfully close to his. A pair of dark pink eyes burried into him, and he could swear he saw a black ring pulsing around her colorful pupil. She stopped smiling completely. — " _YOU NEVER EVEN TRIED TO MAKE UP EVERYTHING THAT WENT WRONG AFTER HER, DID YOU._ "

She hissed the last words with poison and pain in them, and Steven let the rage boiling inside take over him: wasn't the heck he trying to fix and make everything up for every Gem in the Empire those two years? Screw those two years, he's been dealing with his mother's mistakes and consequences of her decisions his whole concious life!!! With a huge effort he pulled the Pearl to the side, and she lost her balance unnaturally quickly, so he accidentally swang with scythe and cut her diagonally from shoulder and between the eyes.

He lost his courage sencirely. His shoked opponent only had time to smile again, scared and lamentably this time, and she disappeared in pinkish cloud of smoke.

Few seconds later he woke from a stupor; he couldn't help the guilt, but understood that if there was anyone to blame, it's not him. Not the least role had the fact that she actually appeared to be _too light_ , and at the moment she lost the ground under her feet she was pulled down by scythe's handle as easily as leaves were carried by the wind. The boy sighed half-relieved and fell onto his knees. Tensed muscles gave the last shock from scythe's blade hit and finally the sting was gone.

He noticed two little pits on the ground where she stood. Did she dig her feet into it? Or more likely dig her toes, she was standing on them, like balerines do... That would explain a little her noticable disagreements with Earth physics. And her look of pain... Their struggle litteraly burried her deeper into the ground.

She arrived on Earth absolutely surely to revenge on something, but her behavior, her tone and words, almost everything revealed pain, hidden but still burning inside. Something hurt her badly... so bad that even while performing she couldn't let it be or slide.

He better wait until his friends are back. He obviously doesn't know the whole picture. Pearl knows something about her, plus, this gem had something grand on her mind and started bringing her plan to life from their very fisrt interaction, giving the hybrid only a few of blurred hints of what might be awaiting him. He will wait, put all the pieces of this alarming puzzle he can have together, discuss it with his friends and only then try to talk and reason her again.

He stretched his palm to smooth oval gemstone on the grass and made a bubble; a second passed, and it started wobbling and making a quiet buzzing sound, then popped.

...What?

"What?" — he tried again, but this time the pink sphere didn't even appear. And yet again, with both hands... Nothing. — "Where's my bubble?.. Come oon..." — Steven took the stone into his hands and summoned all the concentration he could, trying again. The bubble started growing, but then his body reacted unexpectedly negative: he started tiring awfully fast, and his gem on his bellybutton made a little sting, so he couldn't finish what he started, panting.

Steven lifted his T-shirt hem, looking down at his gem like when he still was a child, not knowing what his bellybutton is capable of or what it's doing, and found out that it glows unevenly. — "What is going on?"

***

Steven sat on a couch in living room, holding his chin thoughtfully in one hand. he still felt awfully nervous, even after almost therapeutic call to his dad, which sounded scared to half-death and promised to come as soon as possible. Just an opportunity to share some definitely-not-good news helped him somehow. Or maybe it was just the change of scenery.

On the table in front of him there were placed perfect-cut gemstones — a red ruby, a light blue sapphire, a purple amethyst, a big white pearl and... and, well... a small dark pink one.

Thoughts swarmed inside his head like thousands of butterflies, which again was yet another reminder of a newcomer with similar hairdo. All of that was so weird... The stanger was so much like a Pearl, really, and her appearance, and her behavior, and skills, and at the very same time she was too different from any Pearl he knew so far. Her appearance... her behaviour and skills. Yellow and Blue Diamonds' Pearls, and his mom's first Pearl, and his one and only favorite Pearl, — they all, beside main colors of their hair and dresses, had a pretty big gemstone of clear white color. _this_ one was way smaller, and dark pink, and now, as it layed movelessly on the table a bit aside from others, the difference between two Pearls was too obvious.

Is she really Pearl? Maybe it's like with Quartzes and Jaspers? But he remembers perfectly that every type of gem has its own shape of gemstone. Lapises' and Aquamarines' gemstones have the only difference in their size, though. Maybe it's the same case? But again, Lapises and Aquamarines are too different from each other, and their appearances are, and sizes, and skills; this "Pearl" was pretty similar to, what a surprise, Pearl. Not wholy, yet again.

For the tenth time he turned his thoughts back to what happened near the loghthouse just half an hour ago. What this gem was saying... She new Pearl. And she suddenly remembered his mother. Pearl was his mother's servant, and a warmate, and a friend. ...Could she be another consequence of some bad decision of Pink Diamond? Or Rose Quartz, whatever now. What happened between all of them in the past? But if she were someone important, Pearl would probably tell him something... anything.

Or maybe she just tried to piss him off? Y'know, to confuse him and take the control under the scythe. In his message to the universe practically all his and his mother's history was told, chewed and put into gems mouths so no one confuses him with her ever again and gets that the new Era means _new universe to live in_. This 'Pearl' somewhy didn't want to and used the information she got from the message. Sounds quite logic, and more preferable, honestly. Though at the end he wasn't confused but hit the ceiling and a bad accident put _her_ on the other side of the blade.

A man stormed into the house, breathing fast and heavily, so Steven's train of thoughts stopped. Or more likely paused? Can he say that?

"Steven! I came as fast as I could! Are you okay? gaSP **HOLLY SH-** " — Greg barely sweared, seeing all too familiar gang all together, but inside their gems on the table with unfamiliar one in front of his son. He didn't even noticed himself how he fixed his almost slipped language, — "... **SH-** She really got everybody... Is that her?"

'You didn't believe me, huh?', Steven thought, but let it through; he is irritated because of situation's tension, that's all. 'Sure thing you didn't. Beating us all at once speaks volumes...'

"Yeah..."

Worried human started showering the boy with questions panickly.

"Who?"

None of them could say how actually good this question was. Steven answered without even thinking second time.

"No idea..."

"Why?"

Less sure, more irritated:

"No idea."

"How?"

"She hit all of us with this," — and Steven took out of his pocket the scythe, clicking once. Poor old man was frightened even more, and he hid it back this instant.

***

Pearl's gem in Greg's hand started glowing suddenly, and Steven's spirit did lift.

It's not like Pearl had appeared so soon before, but that's even better now. ...right?

Instead of "good ol' Pearl" a translucent shell appeared.

"Huh, that's new."

_"Please, identify yourself."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *inhale*  
> Hooooooobooyyyy, I did it  
> I spent my every spare minute...
> 
> I couldn't decide which part should be presented as comic, so here is just a half-sketch half-drawing of some part of chapter for you to imagine it easier.  
> 


	3. Chapter 2: Your new best friend...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gems awake diferent. And so she does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to check the Tumbr blog, it has a lot more stuff in it!

The first thing gem felt when she emerged was ~~missing something~~ tension in all her ~~some~~ light body and ~~thing important~~ … joy.

She felt weird, but her excitement of meeting her best friend was great enough for her to giggle happily and hug the pink curly creature just as abnormal shivering of her photons stopped.

***

The gem of pink glowed the last and floated in the air, turning to the right position and exploding brightly with light, blinding everyone in the room. A part of light started forming the body quickly; around the gemstone there was an empty space in form of a heart. The shape of ‘skeleton’ of the body was done, but the light didn’t enlarge it then but stretched out further, so the final result was very thin, long and kinda disproportionate with a black spot around the stone where the empty space was.

The stranger laughed and suddenly waved her slender hands as if they were whips and caught Steven, harshly pulling herself to him. The bump wasn’t heavy but unexpected, so Steven stepped back and lost balance, falling on the floor.

“I’m so excited to meet you!”

“Y… You’re not… mad?” She didn’t even bother to make her surprise look real as if he said some obvious absurd.

“ _Mad_? Why would I be mad at my _best friend_!!!”

Pearl, never stopping singing, only guessed that it’s some sort of defective Pearl, like defective was Amethyst (though she never acted like a pearl after reforming…). Steven exhaled. Just assumptions again.

***

Her best friend was so funny! He started playing with her with such a serious face. She played along ~~where~~ happily ~~is colo~~. She noticed a ~~color?~~ company of stranger gems, jumped down to her friend and pointed with sle ~~nder? Hand~~ nder ha ~~nd slender? Ha~~ nd at them.

“Look! There’s other gems! Let’s ask ‘em to play”, she smiled widely.

“Wait. You don’t remember?”

“Remember what?”

Curly creature with pink and blue color in his form looked puzzled when he went to the group of gems in front of them. They’re ALREADY playing something? She has to figure out more!

Pink two-legged joy with heart-shaped buns quickly stood up. It appeared to be unexpectedly hard ~~er~~ and she barely lost her balance on those thin ~~ner~~ legs of hers ~~thinner than they should be~~. Her hand caught her eyes.

…What?

They weren’t as they… were supposed to be. Is she supposed to be so… creepy? With such thin and long ~~without~~ palms and ~~without what?~~ and… and with small shoes like that white Pearl had. And her cloths were sort of transparent…

Spinel forgot about everything around. The feelings that actually appeared the moment she started forming and never left now overwhelmed her; her eyes stared at the palm with long crooked fingers – the part of her appearance now.

She felt… _hurt_. No, no, not exactly… Something was missing. Something important, something that slipped over her attention and left this weird and somehow familiar feeling of confusion, lostness and… _pain_. Like in some unknown meaning it was ~~expected~~ normal, but Spinel could see, no, she _knew_ something must be wrong, just wrong.

She frightened and barely lost her balance on thinner then ~~she knew~~ she ~~was us~~ ed ~~to~~ legs, so she grabbed… sort of table of unknown material not to fall behind her.

She felt so lost. She couldn’t understand, what’s happening, but she absolutely knew that it shouldn’t. She has just emerged! So she must have been… like what?.. And why does she feel so… **bad**?

_~~‘I’m hurt! H-help me! I’m scared!’~~ _

Steven managed to persuade the others to go outside quite easily. When he turned back to the main gem in question, he noticed that she didn’t feel good. Her posture showed fear, her huge eyes were watering, she grabbed one of her buns and pulled it down so strongly that Steven was afraid that she is going to tear it off.

He ran to her almost by instinct.

“Hey, uh… Are you okay?”

_~~I’m n-t alone… W-at-- nig--m--e!..~~ _

It’s not a… whatever she thought it was. It was good… No being alone was supposed to be good! So, hey, she’s… she _is_ okay!

It seemed like she awakened from a hypnosis; she twitched and looked at him harshly.

“Uh? Oh, sure thing!”, she straightened right then, smiling widely and changing the expression of freezing fear to sincere joy before he blinks.

Her emotions didn’t seem dramatic at all unlike they were at their first encounter. Though her mood swings still were weird.

“Uhhh… you feel sick?” Her smile faltered and for a moment he saw a sparkle of hidden pain in her eyes. Just for a moment. She wondered playfully again:

“No-nope-nahnah! Why should’a?”

“You’re crying.” It felt like he tried to catch a little kid on an obvious lie.

“ _I_ ’m cr-? …oh? Hehe,” she looked surprised, but she just rubbed her eyes, never stopping smiling, “uh, it’s just I’m… so glad to meet you, best friend!” She was.

Her expression fitted her words.

Steven frowned irritably.

“ _’Best friend’_? I don’t even have an idea who are you!”

“Whaddya mean ‘whoo’?” the gem exclaimed enthusiastically, waving her hands up high. “I am your new best friend, Spinel!”

Steven wanted to wince at phrase that repeated at least three times on a row, but livened up, raising his eyebrows, once he heard the last word.

“Spinel?”

“Mm-yep!” She hid her hands behind her back, eagerly listening.

“…ok. Ok, I got it. Now, uh, Spinel, why don’t we go outside, I should show you something.”

Spinel followed him with glee, then came around him and turned her back forward, jumping and laughing. She stopped though when her head bumped into closed door.

Yet she didn’t seem hurt; she pulled her tongue out comically and closed one eye while rubbing the back of the head, then smiled to Steven widely and brightly.

***

“You really don’t remember, huh,” curly boy softened, realizing something.

“Remember what?”

…

“I said what now?” Spinel tried to guess what her friend was talking about. Is this huge thing on a hill some part of their game? The one she ‘forgot’? He said, that she said, that he ‘doesn’t have a chance against her injector’… So that means it’s her game figure, right? Where’s his then?

This guessing game with so small amount of prompts was hard, but sure interesting to play.

Black-haired boy talked a little to a huge pink beast, than a little to himself. All this time Spinel’s eyes were glued on him, on his face in an attempt to find answers. Or come up with her own.

Those feelings… never left. They were even more faint and ghostly than her barely noticeable shadow on a sand, but they haunted her every moment, hiding somewhere inside. But whenever her friend talked to her, or played with her, they were gone. No, they melted… no. She got distracted from them enough for them to disappear from her sight.

On a common canvas of blur, dark and spooky colors a bright and joyful spot appeared – it was her friend, and she was more than happy to switch her attention from something scary and unknown to him.

Apparently, she should stay by his side non-stop not to be lost in that darkness. And to be there for her best friends, of course!

Steven was going somewhere, so Spinel ran forward cheerfully, but than he stopped and turned around. She ran back and half-hugged his shoulder, snuggling her cheek into him.

A weak, ashamed smile twinkled on his confused and unhappy expression. He was looking at that group of other gems, or, to be more precise, at a… ‘UmGreg’, or how did that Pearl called him? And a strange Amethyst that changed her appearance and puzzled poor servant a lot.

Spinel chuckled. It _was_ kinda funny – how that silly decent Pearl was lost among her ‘masters’. I mean, yeah, they look very similar, but it’s no way that an Amethyst is UmGreg!

Plus, it almost made her friend crack a smile… The anticipation of his smile felt so nice in her gem. And _feelings_ stepped away, as if his almost-smile numbed the pain.

Spinel decided to stay close and try her best to make her friend smile as often as possible. Something was wrong with her, but it doesn’t matter when she’s by her friend’s side. Not to mention when he smiled. And Spinel was _made_ to make her best friend smile! And she was glad to.

This little game couldn’t possibly have losers.

***

Her eyes were glued to him. Like, all the time.

And she noticed something.

Something was out of place, not only with her. The curly boy never smiled. At all! He only frowned, and he sounded worried. Seeing him like that felt uncomfortable, but no matter what she tried and tried to come up with, she couldn’t help it.

And when he mentioned some Garnet his eyes watered and- oooh nonono. He’s gonna cry! Spinel’s gem panged at realization and she hurried to distract him from whatever it was.

‘Why! Don’t be sad. I’m your new best friend, and there’re so many things we can do! So many game we can play!’ all her being was saying when she tried to reassure him. Tears and blue mood were gone, but now they were replaced with… disappointment?

Then he sang. Sorrowfully.

That sorrow infected her too, a bit dimming her eternal flame of enthusiasm inside, and her thoughts were back to… herself. She expected… something when she made a stand and circled around. Something was missing, so effect wasn’t enough. Something- something-

Her look fell onto her white palms. You can’t hug your friend tightly and nicely with those thin and curvy hands to reassure him… Her imagination drew big soft pink gloves, and it clicked.

The big pink gloves were missing. And big pink shoes! They would squeak cheerfully every time she stomped with her feet! Of course! And that would definitely make her friend feel better.

But where are they? Did she lose ‘em somewhere? Maybe it was connected with that game she ‘really didn’t remember’?

A big Bismuth joined the song, and eventually the boy’s smile grew, light and optimistic.

Maybe her ways to have fun weren’t okay with him?.. No-no, I mean – _her custom_ ways to have fun. And that Bismuth happened to find the key to his smile and shining eyes. Considering it, she should adjust a little to what her friend finds fun… Yeah, that should work.

And she almost got it! And Steven even complimented her suggestion about puzzles! Her second step seemed to be not as successful and even barely ruined everyone’s high spirits, which would be awful, but she’s working on it.

Spinel was determined to find a correct way to entertain her friend. She will have stay back and watch from the side, a lot, but it’s gonna be worth it.

So she never looked away and followed the curly boy everywhere, investigating and examining everything that got his attention.

…

That led to disaster with a- uhhh, ‘a giant pitsa cutter’… But she picked the saw only for a business! It was never a curiosity. Really-really. Well, maybe a tiniest bit. But the consequences the Sapphire foreseen were horrible…

On the other side, Sapphire never foreseen the appearance of… something surprising.

The incident surely had it’s plus.

When someone entirely new appeared instead of those Ruby and Sapphire, someone stranger and yet familiar, it was… wonderful.

A beautiful stranger, looking both like Ruby and Sapphire, wasn’t Ruby and neither she was a Sapphire. Also, it was something _alien_ to Spinel, strange, _unnatural_. Like, the fact that the curly boy was her friend was natural, and that wasn’t at all, but it dazzled her. Somewhy it seemed so amazing. She wondered what happened to the Sapphire and Ruby, tho… They disappeared, and yet here they were – as this… someone? A loud happy ‘ **GARNET!!!** ’ cleared stranger’s personality a little and after a bit of watching her friend’s reaction and thinking revealed another plus.

Secondly…

Spinel was distracted with an unusual fusion between two gems and her realization about that second plus for so long that she barely missed how Steven ran somewhere.

She immediately stretched her hand, grabbed his and pulled herself to him. She might be silly, but she knew that with that speed she wouldn’t catch up on him.

He… finally smiled to her, when talked. Letting her hand go and trying to make her stay ‘with the ot ~~her~~ s’, telling her he ‘will be r ~~ig~~ ht ~~back~~ ’. She was… happy to see his smile, he smiled and he smiled to _her_. But after his words something in Spinel snapped, and she felt a wild, overwhelming fear. Feelings of a little _pain_ and confusion covered her vision, burning her gem inside with rejection. She shook, grabbing her head with both hands and screamed: ‘NO!!!’

Steven jerked. She suddenly changed, and now was scared to shattering and looked at him with huge eyes full of terror. Her scream was terrified, dissent and… evil. She was somewhere on the faint edge between running away and fighting furiously; Steven didn’t have a courage to risk and changed his mind aloud.

She turned back to her delight not as fast.

***

They were looking for that Amethyst.

They searched for it _everywhere_. Places they looked for it in were so different that Spinel couldn’t help but look around in awe, glowing with curiosity and asking about everything she only could ask about, forgetting about ‘watch from the side, _don’t touch anything_ [Updated after a saw incident]’ tactics this instant. Her best friend seemed kinda irritated with all the questions about places, things, creatures, so she tried to ask as least as possible (it didn’t really do the trick, though). After a while Steven became more calm, explaining naïve Spinel who is Lion and what are lions, what she can grab and what not and et cetera et cetera until infinity ends.

They hopped from a big pink fluffy animal and entered ‘mall’ – a huge shop with lotta shops inside. Lion couldn’t follow them at some reason, but Steven thought that a great variety of colorful things of all shapes can attract Amethyst, so he didn’t lose time and practically flew in a huge hall, dragging Spinel along, who barely dangled in the air like a flag on the top of ship’s mast.

Steven looked around, estimating the huge area they’ll be going through with a toothcomb, when an idea came up.

Spinel seemed so eager to play all this time. So why don’t they kill two birds with one stone?

“Spinel? Why don’t you help me look for Amethyst here? She can be hiding here.”

_Hide-and-seek!_ Her face lit up with interest, so he continued.

“Listen. We part; I go left and search the left half of the building, you go right and search the right half. And all she shops there, too. Look everywhere and be careful, but don’t be too long. Don’t look a lot at new things, I’ll explain everything later. Once you’re done, come back here, we meet and go to next place if she’s not found. Whaddya say?”

This game seemed to be a ~~s fun as impor~~ tant to her best friend, so how could she possi ~~bly say no~~?

***

The pink gem looked at every corner, every hallway and inside every single door at her half of a ‘playing ground’.

There were so many good places to hide, but she was not the one who hides now, so she just remembered them all for later. Using her stretching and shrinking ability, she went from one shop to another pretty quickly; in one of those with clothes she easily creeped through clothes hangers, wardrobes and walls with lotta little shiny things hanging on it (she is pretty sure Steven called one of them ‘trinkets’) and was about to leave as quickly, when suddenly noticed someone close in her peripheral vision.

Spinel squeaked and hid behind a row of cloths. Looking out, she saw no one but her reflection in a mirror that looked out at her from the same raw of clothes with the same startled curiosity.

_Uh, silly me!_ She smiled, rolling her eyes.

She didn’t looked at herself for long and hurried to the next shop. The rules were not to be too long!

But the peripheral vision caught another reflection in a similar mirror that stood near an exit; it was closer and clearer, and…

And Spinel’s feet stopped by themselves.

A happy mood and game’s excitement were diluted with worry. _Something’s wrong_. You know it, but can’t figure out _what_ so far.

The gem gingerly turned to a mirror and stepped a bit closer, walking back into an area where her reflection could be seen.

Some… stranger gem looked at her. It wasn’t her. It didn’t ~~feel~~ like her. She had two buns in form of hearts with holes in ‘em of same shape, and she was paler t ~~han Spin~~ el sh ~~ould be~~ and her eyes were different, without pupils with white ~~White~~ void instead, and- and all her appearance ~~must have been must must been~~ was different, with transparent fabrics and, and her silhouette was so very thin, and she had ballet shoes on her feet and… and…

And most importantly.

Her gemstone was surrounded by blackest spot in form of a heart. So dark that one look at it raised some irrational fear and that feeling of pain that haunted Spinel from her emerging (or did she just lost her memory, like others? They were playing a game with that ‘injector’?..) and slowly subsided, leaving nothing but… something else.

She couldn’t understand what’s wrong. She saw with her own eyes that something in her form was wrong, something in her appearance was wrong, something ~~with her gem was~~ wrong, but couldn’t get- couldn’t remember, how it was supposed to be. She managed to remember big pink gloves and shoes earlier. Yeah, she totally must have had them, but she lost them somewhere.

Something else…

The feeling of that missing ~~piece~~ … and nothing more. A weird emptiness inside and **nothing more**. The pain left and there was nothing but darkness in its place. As if some wound stopped hurting. She should be dreaded by the fact that she felt literally nothing, but… _she felt nothing_.

Maybe just a little of deja vu…

She fell like a lifeless doll on the floor, weakly leaning on long hands. As she tried to find a way to get out of this _empty_ feeling, Spinel didn’t notice how reality was fading. Everything around didn’t matter, everything gone blank and even the constant of feeling something missing was replaced with the absence of this something, with unsuccessful attempts to find that missing _piece_ … Spinel realized that she slowly drowned in apathy to everything else.

…No.

No-no, she can’t… She can’t.

She must do something with it. She can’t let herself stay without emotions, alone with that emptiness that step by step tried to eat out her will and life. She can’t be apathetic! To _everything_! This is… this is weird! Unnatural! Like that sweet Garnet was unnatural, but in a **bad-bad** way!

Don’t think of what is missing… don’t recall. _Don’t try to remember what is wrong, it’s making it worse!_ Focus on what you have…

…She has her best friend. Steven must be already waiting for her! She needs to wake up and hurry.

Come on…

She managed to stand up on her uncustomary thin legs and started moving to mall’s main entrance, going faster, running faster and faster, constantly tripping on her own limbs and falling on cold m ~~urble~~ tiles, getting up and hurrying to Steven.

_The po ~~ssibility of se~~ eing ~~her one more time is the only reason I haven’t fi~~ nished ~~with myself~~ yet._

He was’t in the hall, so Spinel ran into the left part of building, driving weird, even more unnatural thoughts that appeared in her head away. At least the simple goal to find Steven shooed the _feelings_ , and now Spinel could focus on reality completely, but she hurried nonetheless.

In the middle of one of hallways she suddenly put on the brakes: she remembered that they were supposed to play… and she ran away because of her dumb feelings. She left the game because of some stupid- that’s not even a reason… He’s gonna be upset…

No. Keep running. Keep running!!! Screw it! It doesn’t matter, it’s not important. She’s his best friend after all, right? He will understand why she broke the rules, he does care about her, and she felt so **badly** bad, right? Right?

And since she lost… she should do it with properly.

_~~I lo~~ _ _st her g ~~a~~ me… and never tol ~~d her that s~~ he won._

The guilt that her best friend never got to know that she won in her very own game rose inside. She should find Steven and tell her that sh-

_She_? _He_?

What? How confusing… Reality didn’t match with appearing visions of unknown past, but both felt definitely true. Could she have had another best friend that went by ‘she’? …Nah, it doesn’t make sense.

Steven noticed something white and barely turned to it when the gem on her full speed knocked him down on the floor even considering how _light_ she actually was.

Her hands wrapped around him like little snakes this instant as she hugged him.

Up to now her hugs were happy, carefree or at least reassuring (without success, but still). Even if she was scared of something she acted cautiously behind his back, never stopping being curious. Now terrified Spinel pressed herself down to his chest, shrinking into a ball and hold on to him as if some furious wind is about to pull and carry her far away from him right into the heart of the storm. As if she searched his salvation.

Steven got worried.

‘Spinel? What happened? Are okay?!’ Curly boy rounded his eyes, sitting up with a little effort and looking over a poor thing. She closed her eyes tightly and shivered, holding her cry back.

“I-I’m s-sorry, I… I-I’ve…”

She couldn’t go on, pursing her lips.

He carefully pulled his hands forward, which wasn’t easy because of layers of thin hands, tying him up like a rope, and tried to hug her. It… didn’t go well. His maximum was almost at her waist level, so hard was her terrified embrace (Or was it lower? Dang, with her anatomy you can never tell!), and be it in any different circumstances Steven would pull hands back right away, noticeably blushing. But right now his hands were kinda _tied up_ and she felt bad, and nobody happened to be near the end of the hallway where Spinel found him, so he shook his head a little to turn back to the right train of thoughts.

“Spinel…”

“I…” her breath became fast and broken, filled with sobs, and she finally pressed out herself, crying: “I-I-I left the game!.. I’m-I’m so-sorry, Steven! I-I… was scared… There were… Th-there w…”

She couldn’t go on again.

Her grip weakened and Steven saw how she unties him, ashamed, then pulls back and lowers her head, tears silently rolling down her cheeks.

A few drops fell on his T-shirt. She softly sighed and hugged her properly.

“Spinel… hush now… All’s chill. I’m sure it was something I can explain. Maybe, once you understand it, you even like this thing. Like with cars and amusement park, remember?” These two things did startle Spinel at first earlier, but the park turned out to be amazing for having fun, and while on Lion cars were never a threat. Steven knew this world way better than her and lived here with ease, helping Spinel to stay away from any possible trouble. But the thing that ‘scared’ her… was it connected to this world? Not _a_ thing, not a phenomenon. The mirror surely wasn’t the one to blame, was it?

She heard a soft smile in boy’s voice when the gem chuckled in confusion and carefully returned the hug, calming down and snuggling her face into his shoulder.

”So what scared you so much?’’

Her mind kept trying to replay those familiar-unfamiliar pieces of her dialog with someone, and though Spinel couldn’t recall the lines, there was one thing she was sure about: that someone asked her to never tell anybody. About _this_ thing. And not once… In a from of a suggestion, and then… and then it was someone else, but they demanded it. Or ordered? But it was very important, so she agreed.

She also remembered that she revealed this bad ‘secret’ to someone. Or that she had to reveal it? To that someone? But she was told to keep it a secret?.. What a mess in her head, huh. But she could always say only a part of the truth and everything was great.

_~~You can always s~~_ _ay jus ~~t a part of~~ it, ~~right~~?_ And it won’t be a lie. Plus, her best friend really wants t help her…

“Reflection.”

Mm?”

“M-my reflection… in the mirror…”

“W-what?..” Life never prepared Steven for _that_ low level of someone’s self-esteem (or is it the infamous girls’ self-criticism? Well, she wasn’t a girl, she was a gem, but…).

Steven.exe stopped working. It never foreseen this scenario to happen in his whole life, and confused boy’s system stopped, waiting for outside help.

He heard another sound from her, so he listened.

“Um…” she bit her lip shyly, stopping hugs and folded hands near her gem. Her look was running around while she obviously tried to choose the words. “I mean… somewhy I thought that I shouldn’t look the way I am. Kind of… creppy way.” Steven felt uneasy and open his mouth to object, but she continued: “I- I kind of have some sort of picture in my head which I can’t develop. Like some… blurry image, and I can’t… figure out what am I missing. It slips away. And… and I got scared of my appearance a little. And stopped looking for Amethyst…” she pressed her hands to a little stone in the middle of a black heart on her chest. “I- I left the game. I lost without giving you a chance to win fairly… I’m so sorry.”

Steven exhaled, a bit lost. _A little?_ You were shaking like a leaf! Though it seemed like she was worried more about their ‘game’, so reassuring her shouldn’t be hard. But she was clearly remembering something (to compare what she looks like and what she _looked_ like she’s not creepy at all, by the way), and it was a wrong time to, plus she reminded him that Amethyst is still somewhere out there, so Steven didn’t bother too much about lifting her spirits and distracted with the business.

”Everything’s fine. How much have you done ‘till then?”

”I almost finished the second highest level”, she answered more lively.

‘ _She means the floor_ ’, he thought; Homeworld called them ‘levels’, and Steven learnt most of HW’s terms. Or maybe she thinks floors as levels in a game? Homeworld surely never had video games, tho. ‘ _Almost all her part. Pretty quickly, huh._ ’

“Mm, do you think you could look over once again? In case Amethyst was there but moved to another shop. I mean, without second thoughts about… reflections?”

If she only showed a sign of hesitation, they would just do it together. Finding a wandering gem was the upper priority in the list, but, after all, she appeared to be very impressive since her reaction was so sharp at such an unexpected trigger (her own _appearance, man!_ ) …and he wouldn’t like to risk gaining an enemy right now, that too. Yeah. He shouldn’t have even asked, they probably should-

But she frowned a little and gave an intermittent but serious nod. More like if some kid took responsibility from an adult, not a thousands-years-old gem agreed to return to their game. Her serious face would be adorable- no, well, technically it certainly was, but a ticklish parallel between it and her ‘old’ personality (or is it ‘elder’?) that kept looming before Universe’s eyes.

He tensed, but dang it, the sparkles in her eyes were so cute he couldn’t say no and not to crack a little genuine smile. He wouldn’t admit, but getting back to almost an actual game made him fill fluffy and a tiiiny bit better, returning her lightened mood. Plus, with that speed she had every chance to find Amethyst first and be on cloud nine.

…Come in senses, sixteen-years-old idiot, you have a business to be done.

"Ow- oh, then… check out and let’s meet at the entrance."

She stood up, helped him with it and nodded again with even more childish look, closing her eyes and happily puffing out her cheeks. Then she hurried back, pressing clasped hands to her chest and standing at her tiptoes time to time out of pure happiness shining through all her being.

She was _so_ glad. He wasn’t mad and even wasn’t disappointed in her to point at her egoism, which raised a huge relief in her core, though she never should have had one (it’s _her_ who must entertain him, not _him_ reassuring her! Yet another **bad** feature in her, what a nightmare. What did she do to deserve such a great best friend? She was nothing but a bother up to now). But he accepted her nonetheless and even trusted her to finish the important task- that-is-a-game, giving her a second chance. This thought made her smile confidently.

He is her best friend… and he needs to do some important things right now. They must find Amethyst. And she will gladly help him with that, and she even can pl ~~ay a gam~~ e with hi ~~m whil~~ e doing so! They will ~~always have time to actually play together after.~~

As long as she has her best friend and he welcomes her by his side, she will shoo away those stupid _thoughts_. She will ignore that cloudy _picture_ before her eyes from unknown past every time she passes by the other side of the mirror.

_~~As long a~~ _ _s we have o ~~ur relia~~ nce, we will keep up ~~as~~ long a ~~s neede~~ d, ~~My Diamond~~._

Here it is again… Like a memory. But now her determination only grew with it, and Spinel got to work with the feeling of almost an anticipation inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...Heck, I know it was quite long... (I was translating it WAY longer than writing) and the chapter most probably didn't show a lot of new stuff, but...  
> But heck, behind most differences between he movie and THAT chapter lies the whole scene of another one I'll show you a bit later. I had written THAT too.  
> Next time: Bits of Spinel's memories of unknown past almost replace the reality, suddenly revealing it.  
> Feedback is VERY appriciated!


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